Common Struggles with Neurodivergent Couples and Complex Trauma

I see a lot of couples in my practice, particularly interracial neurodivergent (ADHD, Autistic) couples who have experienced complex trauma (see my last post about complex trauma).

One of the biggest frustrations that people have is that they have communication barriers. What does that mean exactly? Most couples have difficulty resolving conflict, misinterpret each other’s intentions and have difficulty managing their own feelings and sometimes get triggered from past traumas, and it shows up in the coupling relationship.

On top of all of that, you add on neurodivergent brains, which will have more challenges (and gifts!) with:

• sensory overload

• hyper focus on certain ideas, interests, work

• difficulty with executive functioning (planning out multi step activities, household chores, lateness, distractions)

This can be a recipe for a difficult dynamic, but it is not impossible to survive and thrive in romantic relationships with neurodiversity and complex trauma.

Here are some of the things that you can explore in therapy/coaching as well as on your own:

• learn your fears

• learn your needs, hopes and intentions for healing

• track how you fight with each other

Learn Your Fears

The most common fear that I hear from people is that they fear abandonment and rejection. As a general rule of thumb, I recommend that folx never joke about divorce or breaking up. This creates an environment where abandonment and rejection is normalized and our acceptance can feel conditional.

Other common fears are:

• being misunderstood

• triggering trauma in partner

• fear of being judged

• fear of not being enough

• fear of losing autonomy

• fear of repeating past patterns

Learn Your Needs and Hopes

Common desires and hopes in romantic relationships are:

• mutual respect

• understanding and empathy

• acceptance of differences

• emotional connection

• to feel safe and secure

• shared goals and aspirations

• feeling valued and appreciated

• harmonious relationship dynamics

Track How You Fight With Each Other

Common ways that couples fight with each other are:

• Yelling and shouting

• criticism

• blame game- playing faults and pinning faults on people and forcing them to apologize as a way to resolve tension

• silent treatment- withdrawing or refusal to communicate as a way of expressing anger or frustration

• bringing up the past- rehashing old history

• name calling or throwing insults

• invalidating feelings- dismissing each others feelings

• escalation- each partner is worried about being right and trying to prove their point

• avoidance- pretending like everything is normal and fine as if nothing happened

Having awareness of your fears, hopes and desires is one of the initial steps to couples coaching. Getting familiar with your own landscape is one of the fastest ways to create safety in the coupling dynamics. This is a very undervalued tool and perspective with folx who have complex trauma. Complex trauma creates an urgency to fix the other partner, when in fact, inner awareness and connection is the shortest B line to creating intimacy.

Keywords: neurodivergent couples, interracial couples, ADHD, Autistic, complex trauma, communication barriers, conflict resolution, misinterpretation, feelings management, past traumas, sensory overload, hyper focus, executive functioning, therapy, coaching, fears, needs, hopes, abandonment, rejection, divorce, misunderstanding, trauma triggers, judgment, autonomy, repeating patterns, desires, mutual respect, empathy, acceptance, emotional connection, safety, security, goals, appreciation, relationship dynamics, fighting styles, yelling, shouting, criticism, blame game, silent treatment, past grievances, name-calling, insults, invalidation, escalation, avoidance, executive coach for women Angela tam