Contextualizing Attachment Theory for Asian American Families

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory focuses on relationships and bonds between people, particularly between parent and child or between romantic or platonic partners/friends. This theory suggests that humans are born with the need to bond to their caregivers and how they bond affect their future relationships when they enter into adulthood.

Attachment theory classifies relationships with caregivers and children into different types:

1) secure attachment- develops when a caregiver is consistent emotionally available and responsive to the child’s needs. They are able to accurately read the child’s facial expressions, body language and can somewhat detect the child’s underlying needs and feelings. Children learn that they can rely on their caregiver for physical support, emotional conflicts and receive comfort. This builds a foundation of trust and safety.

secure caregiver behaviors- accepts all the feelings of the child, is able to take care of the child’s big feelings while remaining calm (most of the time), labels and helps the child name their feelings, is unconditionally warmly responsive while drawing boundaries to harmful behavior, allows the child to work through their big feelings without rushing or trying to solve their feelings and problems,

behaviors in securely attached children- comfortably exploring their surrounding when a caregiver is present; showing distress when caregiver departs but quickly calming down upon their return, seeking comfort from caregiver when frightened or upset. Displaying better emotional regulation later in life. children and adults with secure attachment are comfortable with social interactions and intimacy, display healthy interdependence, are comfortable with asking for help when needed.

2) anxious attachment- develops when caregivers are inconsistently responsive. This happens when some caregivers are loving and nurturing at times, but might be completely physically or emotionally unavailable at other times.

anxious caregiver behaviors- hot and cold with their warmth, emotional unavailability, discouragement of emotional expression, valuing independence over emotional connection.

behaviors in anxiously attached children- have extreme distress when a caregiver leaves and ambivalence upon their return. Have a lot of difficulty being calmed and comforted by the caregiver.

Insecure adult behaviors- clinginess in relationships, addicted to seeking validation and reassurance, feels unworthy of love and fears abandonment, experience intense highs and lows in relationships, highly sensitive tot partner’s moods or actions and as a result, sometimes perceives their actions tot be signs of disinterest or rejection.

3) avoidant attachment- develops when caregivers are emotionally distant, disengaged or actively discourage expressions of neediness or emotions from the child. These caregivers might emphasize independence and self sufficiency and often minimize the child’s feelings.

Avoidant child behaviors- have a lot of difficulty expressing emotional or physical needs. have a lot of adaptive self soothing behaviors, often labeled as “mature”, “calm”, “stoic”, showing a preference for skill building and independence, rather than connecting with caregivers, labeled as hyper independent.

avoidant adult behavior- difficulty with being vulnerable about feelings, might overwork and not value close relationships, uncomfortable with conflicts, rather not talk about disappointment or anger or ruptures in relationships, may withdraw in times of stress, sabotaging relationships that get too close.

4) disorganized attachment- develops when a child grows up in a chaotic environment, where caregivers have erratic behaviors (addictions, abuse, etc), struggle with trauma or unresolved mental health issues

disorganized child behaviors- confused, dissociated, dazed, disoriented; might have fear around caregiver, freezing or rocking around caregiver, erratic or unpredictable behavior

disorganized adult behaviors- struggling to manage emotions, intense break ups and reconciliations, difficulty with intimacy and abandonment, very little stable relationships. May be more isolated.

What is the problem with attachment theory?

1) Like many early psychologists and researchers, they were white and used Eurocentric beliefs and center individualism and pathologies collectivism.

2) they see different attachment styles as pathologies rather than adaptive behaviors. The anxious, avoidant and disorganized styles of attachment are an understandable response to raced based imperialism that leads to economic displacement of so many of our asian families.

3) Attachment theorists are not systems thinkers. They fail to see how systemic oppression plays a role in exiling non white families through gentrification, redlining, rejecting home loans, race and gender based discrimination with job attainment opportunities, etc. These stressors impact the way caregivers can show up for their children. These original thinkers place the burden of care on the caregiver alone, while not recognizing that institutions perpetuate these behaviors through lack of adequate funding for early childcare, early childhood education and lack of funding for parental emotional and physical support.

4) early theorists put emphasis on the nuclear family as the main form of care and overlooks other caregiving structures, such as community based child rearing or family networks as equally valid or important.

What does this all of this have to do with Asian Americans?

A lot of the Asian American individuals that I work with fall into the “avoidant” category. There are high levels of dismissiveness, denial and avoidance of conflict and any feelings. The main emphasis is on the physical care of individuals, but not a lot of talk about the inner workings of our feelings.

The attachment model and lens might unintentionally cause shameful feelings to arise when noticing that our families seem to not fall into the “secure” category. Modern psychology seeks to pathologies this, while I want to invite folx to see these insecure ways of attachment as survival strategies. These survival strategies of avoidance helped us to adapt to difficult environments, where we knew that all of our emotional needs wouldn’t be cared for.

If you grew up in a family where expressing emotions is highly discouraged, then you might of learned to suppress your feelings as the best way to deal with distressful situations.

Suppression of feelings might look like:

compulsive caretaking of siblings and parents

being over compliant and obedient

having no boundaries and allowing parents and siblings to take advantage of your time, energy or money.

idealizing parents as “great but flawed parents”

Here are a few examples:

• 30 year old Korean American non binary person comes in complaining about needing to “always support the parents no matter what” because they sacrificed so much for them. They are struggling with their father’s demand to financially help them with their growing debt as a result of their wayward investments and bankruptcy.

• 28 year old Taiwanese American woman comes in to therapy without a lot of awareness of their feelings, but knows something feels off and doesn’t know what they want and how to fix their “off-ness”. She struggles with having a vibrant social life, but not a lot of deep and significant relationships

• 40 year old Cambodian American woman comes in and asks for support around how they are highly dissatisfied in their marriage, fantasizes about extramarital affairs and feels unable to express feelings of anger and disappointment towards her partner and inability to be honest around not wanting kids.

In all these examples, none of these individuals had childhoods where emotional connection was encouraged. These individuals rarely had an opportunity to express their feelings in a way that was met with neutrality, openness, warmth, and curiosity. These individuals have learned to hide their feelings of shame associated with expressing any feelings.

The work in therapy is simply but not easy:

1) naming feelings- this might be one of the hardest steps for people that come from avoidant families. we sometimes use the feelings wheel app for help in this step.

2) strengthening their connection to their emotions and body sensations- a lot of times our feelings show up in our bodies as sensations or pain before we are able to identify them. sometimes the pain goes away when we work on strengthening that connection.

3) validating emotions- this is also a difficult step because many people have been programmed to believe that validation equals agreement equals collusion with feelings. it doesn’t. validation means accepting emotions.

4) sending compassion- compassion means connection without being overwhelmed to solve. it means just showing up and loving on your feelings without problem solving.

5) be curious about their context- some emotions and adaptation strategies were developed because of a painful event. Identifying that painful event and getting familiar with the story behind an emotion can be extremely relieving.

6) find out the emotion’s agenda and good intent for you- every feeling serves a purpose. figuring the purpose out can be so healing for folx.

*To preserve the confidentiality of the people described, all the examples are composites. In each case, all names and identifying characteristics are fictitious.