Navigating Difficult Friendships: Cultivating Inner Boundaries for Eldest Daughters of Immigrants

Have you ever found yourself avoiding certain friendships, despite having a long history because they seem to drain your energy and leave you feeling emotionally drained?

You know, those long time friends that you know and love, but when they call you, they seem to just vent about their issues without asking you about how you are doing?

As eldest daughters (NB/Trans) of Asian immigrant parents, we are nototriously known as the “rocks” in our family. Those who are super “stable”, even keel, and solid. We are the ones that other people go to for help. For guidance. This is our M.O. This is our reputation.

We first started practicing deep listening and coaching as little kids, comforting our parents when they were in distress. Being our parent’s marriage counselors when they were fighting. Helping our younger siblings to work out their sibling rivalry. We are experts in navigating conflicts and being other people’s caregivers.

Then as you are taking on new responsibilities at work, juggling a new partner, taking on new hobbies nursing a new health diagnosis, you realize that your support for others is no longer energetically sustainable. You are needing to evolve and adapt to the new energetic demands, so the answer is to avoid your old friends.

How do you navigate this? is it realistic to avoid your old friend forever? probably not. But it doesn’t seem realistic to continue to keep in contact if you don’t have the energy to support them through their multiple crises.

Here is the bad news: our internal and external boundary systems might not have been adequately cultivated or nurtured in order to practice self preservation with difficult relationships. Eldest children of immigrants were programmed to accommodate and overextend, not have a sense of assertiveness in setting and maintaining our energy reserves. We were programmed to bleed out our energy reserves for the sake of the collective.

Hence, avoiding difficult relationships is a great strategy for self preservation.

Here is the good news: we can use the Internal Family Systems framework to help us identify the parts that hinder our ability to connect with our intuition, which is so deeply aware of how to create and maintain boundaries.

First, let me introduce you to our inner parts (children) that impact our ability to navigate difficult friendships. They are also known as our inner critics:

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Title: "Navigating Difficult Friendships: Cultivating Inner Boundaries for Eldest Daughters of Immigrants"

Hey there, resilient eldest daughters of immigrants! Today, let's dive into a topic that many of us may grapple with: navigating difficult friendships. As pillars of strength within our families and communities, we often find ourselves balancing multiple relationships, including those with friends who may drain our energy or bring negativity into our lives. But fear not, because understanding how our internal and external boundary systems operate can shed light on why we may avoid certain people, even if we have long histories with them.

Let's begin by exploring the concept of boundary systems within the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework. According to IFS, our internal system is composed of various "parts," each with its own unique characteristics and functions. These parts can be categorized into different roles, including protectors, managers, exiles, and more. Our boundary systems, both internal and external, play a crucial role in how we interact with others and protect ourselves from harm.

For many eldest daughters of immigrants, our internal boundary systems may not have been adequately cultivated or nurtured. Growing up, we may have been conditioned to prioritize the needs and expectations of others over our own, leading to a lack of clarity and assertiveness in setting and maintaining boundaries. This can make it challenging to navigate difficult friendships, especially when faced with energy leeches or toxic dynamics.

So, why do we avoid certain people, even if we have long histories with them? It often comes down to self-preservation. When our internal boundary systems feel weak or underdeveloped, approaching energy leeches can feel unsafe and triggering. These individuals may trigger our internal critics – those critical voices within us that undermine our confidence and self-worth.

Let's explore how the seven internal critics identified in the IFS framework can impact our ability to navigate difficult friendships:

1. Perfectionist: The perfectionist critic may convince us that we need to maintain perfect relationships and avoid conflict at all costs, making it difficult to recognize and address toxic dynamics.

2. Molder: The molder critic may pressure us to conform to societal norms and expectations, even if it means tolerating harmful behavior from others.

3. Guilt-Tripper: The guilt-tripper critic may shame us for setting boundaries or prioritizing our own well-being, making us feel selfish or guilty for asserting ourselves.

4. Underminer: The underminer critic may erode our confidence and self-esteem, making us doubt our worthiness of healthy, supportive relationships.

5. Taskmaster: The taskmaster critic may push us to prioritize productivity over self-care, leaving us feeling drained and depleted in our interactions with energy leeches.

6. Controller: The controller critic may impose strict rules and expectations on our relationships, making it difficult to assert ourselves and communicate our needs effectively.

7. Destroyer: The destroyer critic may attack our sense of identity and worthiness, leading us to believe that we don't deserve better friendships or that we are inherently unworthy of love and respect.

Recognizing the influence of these internal critics is the first step towards cultivating healthier boundaries. here are some strategies to help you on your journey:

Practice self reflection- reflect on the patterns and dynamics in your friendships. Notice how they make you feel and whether or not they align with your values and well being.

self reflection goes a long long way.

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