When “Strong” Feels Like a Burden

I remember buying into the trap that dependability and trustworthiness means that I need to be strong and work hard.

Fill in the gaps where necessary. “Take one for the team” and “I’m on it” were badges of honor. It was how I got a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Then I swung the other side of the pendulum. I became “woke” and noticed that my husband needed to step up and I need to embrace my “soft girl era.”

I needed to delegate, outsource, “ask for help” and tell my husband what needed to be done and have him do it.

But this year something changed.

A voice whispered, “both ways of being with your husband is about maintaining control. The first method was control through the guilt of self sacrifice, while the second was the control through resentment and “woke” anger.”

This voice said “what if you are not in control? What if you released control?”

A great shiver of fear ran up my spine. I couldn’t imagine a life with no sense of control. I would take an illusion of control over losing it entirely.

Losing control would mean:

I would have to do all the work in and outside my home

No one would respect my boundaries

My husband could “do whatever he wants” while I suffered in silence

I believed that losing control would mean that I was a loser. The person that lost out on any shred of hope that things could be equal.

Here’s the truth: women that I coach are suffering through this and learning that losing control doesn’t mean losing strength and autonomy.

Losing control doesn’t equal losing strength. It means shedding a protective strategy that doesn’t serve them or their family anymore.

The executive women I coach are masters of being composed, collected, put together. They are learning to master a sense of calm resolve.

They are remembering that strength and power does not mean that they need to stay in control, but it means releasing control and sharing power. Being soft does not mean that they will get taken advantage of. Being soft means that you share power and trust in the process of putting yourself out there and collaborate.

When you lead from a place of softness, you start to release fear. Release the right to be understood accurately. Release the entitlement of things being in order.

As we are entering into the winter months in the northern hemisphere, may the word “release” be with you. When you release the burdens around carrying all the weight of the household on your shoulder, release the burdens around the messages around “you need to fill in all the gaps”, release the beliefs around “being the strong steady one”, you will find lightness and play on the other side.

What are some of your seasonal reflections lately?