“If only my partner would try hard harder, things would be fine”

“If only my partner would try hard harder, things would be fine”

when you’re juggling work, parenting, logistics, and carrying the invisible mental load it can feel like you’re carrying it all alone. Underneath that thought there’s often a quiet part saying:
I can’t keep doing this by myself.
I need someone to see how hard this is.
I just want to rest.

Sometimes that voice causes us to blame or nag our partners into doing more. These blame-y voices see our partners lack of awareness of the mental load as the enemy. They believe that if they were to be more aware of how they are not carrying the mental load, then they would finally wake up and do something about it.

These protective voices often see their partner as withholding care, support, or help and as a result view their partners as someone who is cold and rigid.

these voices see your partner as a barrier to household harmony. It believes that if your partner finally understood how hard it was for you then they would step up and then maybe you could exhale. Maybe you could stop holding everything together.

Here’s what often happens with couples under distress:
One partner‘s protective voices, blames, criticizes, or demands out of desperation.
The other partners protective voices shuts down, defend or withdraws out of overwhelm.

Both people end up feeling more alone and resentful.

When we can bring compassion and witnessing to these protective voices, the ones that yell demand micromanage or shut down, we can start to see the longing underneath. The longing to feel supported and safe and not alone.

So instead of asking, why won’t my partner try hard harder we begin to ask what is this part of me trying so hard to protect ?

That is where conversations can begin about troubleshooting or problem-solving. Often times people jump too soon into problem-solving conversations with their partners while they are in a place of being blended with their protective voices.

if you and your partner find yourself stuck in this loop it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It just means you’re protective. Voices are exhausted and longing for teamwork and companionship.